Can I be honest?
This whole showing people my work thing is actually very scary.
I’m literally giving people access to the thoughts I have that I don’t tend to vocalise. Actually that’s a lie. I do vocalise it but not all the time because sometimes I don’t even know if it makes sense.
Literally after every blog I write, once I’ve edited it and read over it a couple times I think it’s not good enough. The more I read over it, it’s like the less it makes sense to me. This is weird because I definitely wrote it. Then I start thinking no one will even understand what I’m saying.
Every time I write a new blog I almost don’t send it. It normally takes me like 3-4 days to send it through to someone. Even longer if it’s really personal to me.
I actually don’t know what I’m waiting for sometimes. I should keep going.
Bro, before I click send on the email I feel like I can’t breathe. Lool.
Self-motivation
Before I send each blog I really have to gas myself up because if I don’t then who will?
I’ve noticed that I tend to self-motivate and do everything self-self-self. Like sometimes let people in. In my defence, this wall that I’ve had up for most of my life has definitely been shattered (thanks God). I genuinely do open up but sometimes I don’t open up completely because of… – fear.
I feel like I’m so used to being there for myself and picking myself up.
But baby girl you can’t live in isolation (even though we literally in a panoramic rn). Also, God has placed people in your life for a reason. Appreciate them and invest in your relationships.
I have to remind myself that it’s actually not about me but it’s about God.
If He has given me this gift, who am I to deny the world of receiving it also?
Who am I to deny someone the opportunity to connect with God through my words?
Who am I to deny someone the much-needed encouragement they didn’t know they needed?
Who am I to prevent a silent connection from being made between myself and the reader as we bond over my words?
How can I basically self-sabotage?
Self-sabotage with your gifts
1 Peter 4:10 says we should use whatever gifts we have to serve others. So my gift isn’t for me, but it was given to me, for others.
After watching a sermon about purpose I learned that my gift is a tool that I can use to be obedient to God while walking in my purpose.
It’s still funny to me how I actually enjoy writing and putting my thoughts down on paper given how much I hated English in secondary school. But don’t get it twisted, even though I didn’t enjoy it I still secured that A*.
I never even considered myself a creative person until, shout out GPE, who put me in a Purpose Creatives team. At first I was so confused as to why I was there. Before I thought creative = being able to draw. I definitely wasn’t doing any drawing, but writing and editing 💓.
Self-sabotage in your life
Onto self-sabotage now: the other day I was listening to Hayley Mulenda’s podcast (God bless this girl man honestly, the wisdom she imparted to me those 4 months during lockdown when she mentored me was insane). She was saying that you shouldn’t self-sabotage yourself out of the blessings you have prayed for. Pray for it then prepare for it.
As in, was I not the same one praying to God to reveal to me my gifts and talents and show me how I can use them for His glory… what is actually wrong with me?
I just have to laugh at myself sometimes.
We all know the scripture: For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7)
Fear will not be my excuse for failure – this quote has followed me for the past 5 years, maybe even longer. I pray that it is etched in my brain because I will not allow fear to stop what God is trying to do in my life.
It’s funny how all the feedback on my blog that I received was from the people that I genuinely care about and love. They were able to see something in me that at the time I didn’t even notice. I’m legit just writing my thoughts and people like it, so weird. When I deep it, I’ve been writing a diary since I was in year 6 (I definitely need to write about why I started but whew chile it’s going to get deep…scaryyyyy).
Leaving self-sabotage behind
Going into 2021 I’m definitely not going to let fear hold me back (thanks if you’re reading this I’ve automatically become accountable to you as well). During lockdown I had a revelation and wrote down all the things that I haven’t done out of fear, it was shocking and quite disappointing but at least now I know so I can work on it.
I’m not going to say sorry if this was all over the place because this is my mind.
PS: There are deffo tears coming out of my eyes right now.
PPS: Remember when I said God will use my own words against me, I 100% know that is going to happen with this blog. God, why are you like this? But I do love it.
Also feel free to read the very first blog that I published: #1 – First blog post and never experiencing heartbreak
God bless
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Resources
YouTube
Whenever I get anxious I always play this song to calm me down:
Peace Be Still – The Belonging Co and Lauren Daigle
