This post is a continuation of part número 8 about confidence.
If I know the Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead lives in me why don’t I act like I believe it?
Then I started thinking about how far I’ve come in relation to my confidence and identity. Can’t lie, as I was thinking about it a couple of nights ago it got deep and my eyes were watering for some reason (loool) because I was so thankful to God for where He’s brought me to.
I feel like I fight soooo many silent battles and don’t share them.
… vulnerability and all of them man.
Now, let me take you on a journey real quick that may not necessarily go in chronological order. Also, this may spill over into a couple of posts.
It’s about to get real deep up in here.
2019 was one of the most challenging years ever
The first 8 months of 2019 were terrible.
Don’t get me wrong there were some really good times but there were a lot of low times as well. I swear, 2019 was such a defining year in my life and I am grateful for all that happened to me as it. Even though it was one of the most challenging years, especially mentally, it taught me so much and ultimately brought me closer to God.
Honestly, the number of breakdowns I had that year was crazy. Ask me if anyone even knew about any of them.
The one time I actually broke down in front of my friend was when he came into my room while I was writing a mind map of all the things on my mind. He asked me what I was doing and I literally just burst. As in, like one balloon.
I actually still have that mind map to this day.
At the end of it, he and my other friend prayed for me (I swear having friends like this is so essential). Looking back now you would have thought I learned about the importance of sharing my feelings and being open. But no, I really didn’t.
Remember in blog post 4 where I touched on seeing old videos and reminiscing, the other day, I watched a video of me looking all cute or whatever back in April 2019. While watching that video, I could remember how sad and uncomfortable I felt on that day.
When will I learn to share how I really feel?
Let’s fast forward to 9th July 2019 when I started a Bible plan called Overcoming Thoughts of Suicide and Self-Harm. I took this quote directly from my journal on that day, “My reason for doing this plan is because I basically get annual thoughts (around the same time every year) of just not being good enough, people forgetting about me and ultimately suicide. Even though I will never commit suicide because of my fear of God.”
Yikes. I know innit. Ask me if I ever told anyone about these annual dark thoughts that I had. Ask me. Ask me if I ever truly shared how I felt. Ask me. Ask me how many times at night I would cry in my bed. Ask me.
After reading what I wrote in my journal, you can clearly see why 2019 was one of the most challenging years for me. When I look back at some of the things I wrote in my journals I’m just like rah, baby girl share each other’s burdens and in this way obey the law of Christ – Galatians 6:2.
Even Ecclesiastes 4:9-11 – Two are better than one…if either of them falls down one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Well, pity Funmi from 2019 lool.
Why did I not just speak up? Actually, I already know and ya tú sabes – fear.
Fear that no one will understand me. I didn’t think anyone had time for me. I didn’t think that anyone cared.
As a result, I felt so lost and alone.
Too many thoughts going through my head
I think the only thing that genuinely kept me going was God. Even though I felt so lost and purposeless and didn’t even understand why I was on the earth. As in what was the reason?
The next plan I did was called Living Changed: Identity which I will continue in this post:
Resources
Song
When I say this song was my song in 2019, I couldn’t listen to it without crying. I associate it with the most challenging year of my life, knowing that God brought me out of it.
Psalm 23 (I Am Not Alone) – People & Songs ft. Josh Sherman
